Backlog Posts // Speak For Yourself Sally

Some people think it's a choice and that's alright. Other people think it's not a choice and that's alright too. People can THINK whatever they want about other people, but they can only SPEAK for themselves. They try to speak for other people but really it just falls back and reveals more about them than the person they THINK they're SPEAKING for.

I read a quote somewhere that went "What Sally says about Susie says more about Sally than Susie."

Are you catching my drift there? So I choose to only speak for myself. And for me it was not a choice. Homosexuality was a bitter word in my mouth, in my brain. My religion is against it, my family is against it, a lot of people I know and work with are against it. I wanted nothing to do with it whatsoever.

Stella

Backlog Posts // The Punchline Came Before The Joke

Now I knew what was causing all of these problems. I knew why I was depressed, why I hated mornings, why I wanted to hurt myself. I knew why my mind was on strike. I was uncovering a mystery in myself that I didn't want uncovered. I was learning that I was someone I didn't want to be. I had a part of me I wanted dead. 

I discovered that there was this thing I had called a (here's the punchline) sexuality. Ba dum tsss!  AND it (here's the joke) wasn't straight. Let's all laugh now! Funny joke right? Maybe the longer I laugh the better I can hide myself. Laughter slips a veil over you.

Stella

Backlog Posts // I Promise I'm Going Somewhere

I am getting somewhere with all of these posts, they might seem pointless and unnecessarily drug out.  I hope I'm not boring you, but I promise you I'm getting somewhere. I wish I had someone to promise me that as I was going through this, I didn't know where things were going or if I was even going anywhere, so maybe you can get an idea of what I was feeling.

So yeah, my mind hates me, I'm depressed, I've lost the will to wake up, I just want to sleep through my life. There were actually a few times where inflicting self-harm crossed my mind. Suicide also, even though I hate to admit it. But it's true, I was at a very low point. When asked how I was I answered with 'okay' and in my head I told myself 'you're not okay, but you will be'.

Stella

Backlog Posts // Dreaded Mornings

I'm not a morning person. I'm a night owl. So mornings were already not my favorite part of the day but when my mind went on strike they became dreadful. I hated mornings, I hated waking up, I hated that I hated waking up. I felt I had no reason to get up anymore, the earth would keep turning whether I got out of bed or not. I wanted to just sleep through the day and live a night life. In my opinion the moon perfect company. And I needed company.

Stella

Backlog Posts // Every New Day

I am a mystery to myself. There are some parts of me I'm excited to discover and others...well I'd rather they stay in the dark corners of my mind. 

There are some mysteries that beg to be solved. Your mind sort of goes on strike until you choose/are forced to handle the situation at hand. 

That's what happened to me. My mind went on strike, that's the best example I can think of. I got very depressed, I couldn't think straight or focus very well and that caused problems all around. I lost interest in many things I once loved. I started dreading every new day.

Stella

Backlog posts // A mystery of a person.

I'm sorry for my absence. I do have  a good reason for it but sorry nevertheless.

You know how when you can't think of something to say so you don't say anything at all? Well that's not me, I can think of EVERYTHING I've ever wanted to say; actually saying it though is the problem. And that's been an even bigger problem over the last few months than usual. 

You see I've learned that in all the world there is nothing more mysterious than a person. Scientists can go on and on about studies and give statistics and such about groups of people, but when it comes to just one person they get lost. They've got nothing. But forget scientists, we're mysteries to ourselves!

Stella

Backlog Posts // Past Tense

I'm writing these next few posts over the next few days as a kind of backlog of what I've been going through in my blogging absence. For that reason they are written in past tense. But some of these feelings are still alive and strong in me, not all of them are in the past yet.

And anyways, I like to write my current feelings in past tense. I'm not sure why. I wish I had a reason why.

Stella