Backlog Posts // I Need/Love You

Now I've saved the best of these backlog posts for last...
During my 'somewhere between denial and admittance' stage I met this girl. She was truly heaven sent. I really, really needed someone to talk to at the time, I was very lonely. And she popped me a message one day on Pinterest saying that she liked my pins. We talked and talked and our discussion got deeper and deeper. She helped me in so many ways. I needed someone exactly like her to spill myself out to. In a short time I developed feelings for her, these feelings weren't reciprocated which was completely okay, I'm sorta glad they weren't. Our relationship would be a totally different one if the feelings were returned and I think our friendship is magical just the way it is. I think my feelings just stemmed from the fact that I needed her. She was like a superhero for me at a time when I really needed one. It's easy to have feelings for people you need.

Stella

Backlog Posts // With People

After admitting to myself that I wasn't straight, I was able to figure out exactly who I was. I now know that I'm bisexual. Here's my explanation for you, not that one is needed, I just want to help you see what I feel. "I don't fall in love with men or women. I fall in love with people". I don't know who said that quote but I heard it somewhere and as soon as I did I realized that I felt the same.

Stella

Backlog Posts // Where I Am Now

There are a gazillion stages people go through when figuring out their sexuality. I went through a gazillion but I can sum them up in these few steps. 

Denial: I shunned the idea that I was gay for a long time. I hated the very thought of it.

Somewhere between denial and admittance: I didn't know I was in this stage will I was no longer in it.

Admittance: After a long time of fighting my feelings I was able to admit to myself that I was gay. This stage was both liberating and bounding. I was free within myself, but I was still chained on the outside. There was absolutely no way I was going to come out to anyone.

And that's where I am now.

Stella

Backlog Posts // Speak For Yourself Sally

Some people think it's a choice and that's alright. Other people think it's not a choice and that's alright too. People can THINK whatever they want about other people, but they can only SPEAK for themselves. They try to speak for other people but really it just falls back and reveals more about them than the person they THINK they're SPEAKING for.

I read a quote somewhere that went "What Sally says about Susie says more about Sally than Susie."

Are you catching my drift there? So I choose to only speak for myself. And for me it was not a choice. Homosexuality was a bitter word in my mouth, in my brain. My religion is against it, my family is against it, a lot of people I know and work with are against it. I wanted nothing to do with it whatsoever.

Stella

Backlog Posts // The Punchline Came Before The Joke

Now I knew what was causing all of these problems. I knew why I was depressed, why I hated mornings, why I wanted to hurt myself. I knew why my mind was on strike. I was uncovering a mystery in myself that I didn't want uncovered. I was learning that I was someone I didn't want to be. I had a part of me I wanted dead. 

I discovered that there was this thing I had called a (here's the punchline) sexuality. Ba dum tsss!  AND it (here's the joke) wasn't straight. Let's all laugh now! Funny joke right? Maybe the longer I laugh the better I can hide myself. Laughter slips a veil over you.

Stella

Backlog Posts // I Promise I'm Going Somewhere

I am getting somewhere with all of these posts, they might seem pointless and unnecessarily drug out.  I hope I'm not boring you, but I promise you I'm getting somewhere. I wish I had someone to promise me that as I was going through this, I didn't know where things were going or if I was even going anywhere, so maybe you can get an idea of what I was feeling.

So yeah, my mind hates me, I'm depressed, I've lost the will to wake up, I just want to sleep through my life. There were actually a few times where inflicting self-harm crossed my mind. Suicide also, even though I hate to admit it. But it's true, I was at a very low point. When asked how I was I answered with 'okay' and in my head I told myself 'you're not okay, but you will be'.

Stella

Backlog Posts // Dreaded Mornings

I'm not a morning person. I'm a night owl. So mornings were already not my favorite part of the day but when my mind went on strike they became dreadful. I hated mornings, I hated waking up, I hated that I hated waking up. I felt I had no reason to get up anymore, the earth would keep turning whether I got out of bed or not. I wanted to just sleep through the day and live a night life. In my opinion the moon perfect company. And I needed company.

Stella