Backlog Posts // I Need/Love You

Now I've saved the best of these backlog posts for last...
During my 'somewhere between denial and admittance' stage I met this girl. She was truly heaven sent. I really, really needed someone to talk to at the time, I was very lonely. And she popped me a message one day on Pinterest saying that she liked my pins. We talked and talked and our discussion got deeper and deeper. She helped me in so many ways. I needed someone exactly like her to spill myself out to. In a short time I developed feelings for her, these feelings weren't reciprocated which was completely okay, I'm sorta glad they weren't. Our relationship would be a totally different one if the feelings were returned and I think our friendship is magical just the way it is. I think my feelings just stemmed from the fact that I needed her. She was like a superhero for me at a time when I really needed one. It's easy to have feelings for people you need.

Stella

Backlog Posts // With People

After admitting to myself that I wasn't straight, I was able to figure out exactly who I was. I now know that I'm bisexual. Here's my explanation for you, not that one is needed, I just want to help you see what I feel. "I don't fall in love with men or women. I fall in love with people". I don't know who said that quote but I heard it somewhere and as soon as I did I realized that I felt the same.

Stella

Backlog Posts // Where I Am Now

There are a gazillion stages people go through when figuring out their sexuality. I went through a gazillion but I can sum them up in these few steps. 

Denial: I shunned the idea that I was gay for a long time. I hated the very thought of it.

Somewhere between denial and admittance: I didn't know I was in this stage will I was no longer in it.

Admittance: After a long time of fighting my feelings I was able to admit to myself that I was gay. This stage was both liberating and bounding. I was free within myself, but I was still chained on the outside. There was absolutely no way I was going to come out to anyone.

And that's where I am now.

Stella

Backlog Posts // Speak For Yourself Sally

Some people think it's a choice and that's alright. Other people think it's not a choice and that's alright too. People can THINK whatever they want about other people, but they can only SPEAK for themselves. They try to speak for other people but really it just falls back and reveals more about them than the person they THINK they're SPEAKING for.

I read a quote somewhere that went "What Sally says about Susie says more about Sally than Susie."

Are you catching my drift there? So I choose to only speak for myself. And for me it was not a choice. Homosexuality was a bitter word in my mouth, in my brain. My religion is against it, my family is against it, a lot of people I know and work with are against it. I wanted nothing to do with it whatsoever.

Stella

Backlog Posts // The Punchline Came Before The Joke

Now I knew what was causing all of these problems. I knew why I was depressed, why I hated mornings, why I wanted to hurt myself. I knew why my mind was on strike. I was uncovering a mystery in myself that I didn't want uncovered. I was learning that I was someone I didn't want to be. I had a part of me I wanted dead. 

I discovered that there was this thing I had called a (here's the punchline) sexuality. Ba dum tsss!  AND it (here's the joke) wasn't straight. Let's all laugh now! Funny joke right? Maybe the longer I laugh the better I can hide myself. Laughter slips a veil over you.

Stella

Backlog Posts // I Promise I'm Going Somewhere

I am getting somewhere with all of these posts, they might seem pointless and unnecessarily drug out.  I hope I'm not boring you, but I promise you I'm getting somewhere. I wish I had someone to promise me that as I was going through this, I didn't know where things were going or if I was even going anywhere, so maybe you can get an idea of what I was feeling.

So yeah, my mind hates me, I'm depressed, I've lost the will to wake up, I just want to sleep through my life. There were actually a few times where inflicting self-harm crossed my mind. Suicide also, even though I hate to admit it. But it's true, I was at a very low point. When asked how I was I answered with 'okay' and in my head I told myself 'you're not okay, but you will be'.

Stella

Backlog Posts // Dreaded Mornings

I'm not a morning person. I'm a night owl. So mornings were already not my favorite part of the day but when my mind went on strike they became dreadful. I hated mornings, I hated waking up, I hated that I hated waking up. I felt I had no reason to get up anymore, the earth would keep turning whether I got out of bed or not. I wanted to just sleep through the day and live a night life. In my opinion the moon perfect company. And I needed company.

Stella

Backlog Posts // Every New Day

I am a mystery to myself. There are some parts of me I'm excited to discover and others...well I'd rather they stay in the dark corners of my mind. 

There are some mysteries that beg to be solved. Your mind sort of goes on strike until you choose/are forced to handle the situation at hand. 

That's what happened to me. My mind went on strike, that's the best example I can think of. I got very depressed, I couldn't think straight or focus very well and that caused problems all around. I lost interest in many things I once loved. I started dreading every new day.

Stella

Backlog posts // A mystery of a person.

I'm sorry for my absence. I do have  a good reason for it but sorry nevertheless.

You know how when you can't think of something to say so you don't say anything at all? Well that's not me, I can think of EVERYTHING I've ever wanted to say; actually saying it though is the problem. And that's been an even bigger problem over the last few months than usual. 

You see I've learned that in all the world there is nothing more mysterious than a person. Scientists can go on and on about studies and give statistics and such about groups of people, but when it comes to just one person they get lost. They've got nothing. But forget scientists, we're mysteries to ourselves!

Stella

Backlog Posts // Past Tense

I'm writing these next few posts over the next few days as a kind of backlog of what I've been going through in my blogging absence. For that reason they are written in past tense. But some of these feelings are still alive and strong in me, not all of them are in the past yet.

And anyways, I like to write my current feelings in past tense. I'm not sure why. I wish I had a reason why.

Stella

Ohh her.

Lately(past few months) I just...I don't know. I've been so confused, about everything. More confused than I've ever been. I really need things to clear up. Cause like I barely know who I am anymore, I'm a stranger to myself. Well, pieces of me here and there are recognizable, but like over all I'm just...yeah...not recognizable. If I were to walk past myself on a sidewalk in a park I probably wouldn't even notice me. And what makes it worse is that people who know me would notice me. They'd see the outside version of me and say "hey, there goes you!" and I'd be all like "uhh, where?" And then they'd point, and I would say "ohh, you mean her. Sorry I didn't recognize her, umm I mean me." And then I would look over this person that they say I am. I would see little snippets here and there that remind me of me, and I'd begin to believe that this person is actually me! Then I would lock eyes and see right through to the inside of her. And immediately I'd say "nope, that is totally not me, not at all!" 

Fairy Lover

I love fairies. I really don't know why though. I don't even believe they exist, I just love the idea of them existing. Is that what a myth is? When you know something isn't true but you like the idea of it being true, so you hold it as the truth anyway? Or is that just believing a lie? What's the difference between a myth and a lie? I don't know, anyway, back to the fairies... So yeah, I'm intrigued my fairies and the history surrounding them and their powers. Like this one fairy, my favorite, called a Leanan Sídhe, (pronounced LAN-AN SHE) meaning fairy lover. Here's an excerpt from the Wikipedia page on them.

             The leannán sídhe is generally depicted as a beautiful muse who offers inspiration to an artist in exchange for their love and devotion; however, this frequently results in madness for the artist, as well as premature death. W. B. Yeats popularized a slightly different perspective on these spirits with emphasis on their vampiric tendencies:^[2]

The Leanhaun Shee (fairy mistress) seeks the love of mortals. If they refuse, she must be their slave; if they consent, they are hers, and can only escape by finding another to take their place. The fairy lives on their life, and they waste away. Death is no escape from her. She is the Gaelic muse, for she gives inspiration to those she persecutes. The Gaelic poets die young, for she is restless, and will not let them remain long on earth—this malignant phantom. 

Source: Wikipedia®

Sorries

I've been quite bitchy this past week. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I've been acting like the world revolves around me and my plans. I've been very inconsiderate and oblivious to everyone else's feelings. I'm just realizing it now. I need to go say some sorries. 

Not to fail.

I'm frustrated too. I'm more frustrated with my life right now than you think. More frustrated than you can understand. You think I'm just not trying. And you are right in a way, I'm not trying to do better. The only thing I'm trying to do is not give up, not to fail. That's all I can do right now.

Shortness of breath

You taught me the courage of the stars before you left / how life carries on even after death / with shortness of breath you explained the infinite / how rare and beautiful it is to even exist.

- Saturn by Atlas

Failed Test Pt.2 // You Know Who You Are

Here and there I would test you by letting you in on little bits of the real me. I'd say things I didn't normally say and then wait for your reaction. But you weren't paying attention so you missed it and failed the test over and over. I tried to catch you when you were the least busy, which was at night when everyone else had gone to bed and you were still awake. But you always had some type of distraction and would usually send me away. I would laugh and joke a little, but in my mind as I walked away I would mark the test with an F. I had pity on you at times, I wish you could've known who I really was. Honestly, I'd would have let you see me if you had passed just one test. I'm naive like that, listen once and I'll tell you it all. I'll let you hold my soul in your hands. And even if you fail I'll keep trying, I have a strong need to show myself to someone. Someone turned into anyone, anyone that cared in the least. Some of my deepest thoughts were known by strangers rather than the people closest to me. Rather than you. Because the strange thing was that they got passing grades.

Failed Test Pt.1 // You Know Who You Are

I wanted to confide in you, but first I had to test you. See if you would handle my secrets with care and listen when I needed to talk about something important to me.

I tested with things that were just on the surface of who I was. The silly, random, insignificant things. But you never listened to the silly, random, insignificant things I wanted to tell you. You never payed attention.  So how could I trust you with deeper things? Darker things. I didn't feel comfortable enough to tell you anything much about who I actually am. I know you are probably thinking that I did, I talked a lot and expressed my thoughts and opinions very often. But I was very careful not to let my real self show to just anyone. I never wore my heart on my sleeve, in fact I believed myself to be incapable of doing so. You only saw what I chose to show.

A Thousand Stars

Things I love right now.

Cold air. It's sooo refreshing.

The piece of apple flavored candy in my mouth.

That fact that you can buy a pack of mismatched socks! I didn't know they had those.

The fact that I bought a pack of mismatched socks!

Fuzzy blankets.

Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran.

Doing my odd little dances when I'm alone in my room listening to that song.

Long awaited down time. Everyone needs a little break here and there.

The flashlight on my phone, it's so handy.

Wearing pjs all day.

Open.

I'm not easily offended. I pride myself in that. Offensive things people say or do, either on accident or on purpose rarely bother me.  I just don't let things get to me, I've always been like that. Very tight, not letting anything in. And lately I've realized that I also don't let nice things in sometimes. When people compliment me I let it slide. I mean I say thank you but I don't always take it seriously. If someone tells me I am pretty or that I look nice today or I did a good job with something; I don't let it make me feel better. So I've decided that I should open up more, even if it means I might get offended. At least I'll be open to accept the good things when they come.

Haha!!

Suffocated

Her lungs are tuned to the taste of air she couldn't find. Everywhere she went she would take a deep breath to see if this was it. But she would always end up a little more suffocated than before.

Past Lives

If the elephants have past lives / yet are destined to always remember / It's no wonder how they scream  / like you and I they must have some temper.

Here is the song I have on replay this week. It's called Elephants and it's by Rachel Yamagata.

Not So Light Burdens

I have feelings I can't talk about. Problems I can't tell anyone. Certain tears I can't cry on anyone's shoulder. Maybe we're all like that, or maybe it's just me. We all have burdens. Everyone thinks the heavy burdens are the hardest to carry, but that's not always true. Sometimes the light burdens are heavier than the heavy ones. They rest ever so gently on your shoulder, constantly reminding you of their presence. Sometimes I shrink them, these light burdens, shrink them till they are small enough to carry around in my pockets. I figure that way I can forget about them. But my hand always brushes against them when I'm reaching for something else. Maybe I should get a backpack.

Head and Heart

I once heard it said that the worst battle is between what you know and what you feel. And I know that to be very true. I'm fighting that battle right now. I won't go into detail. I will however say that my battle is draining me. The fight between my head and my heart is tiring and I don't know how much longer I can fight before I yield to one or the other. It's stressful to always have your thoughts wrestling. Especially when you see no end in sight. I've tried ignoring it, and it didn't go away. 

The hardest part for me is not being able to tell anyone about it. I'm a very 'bottled up inside' kinda person. I didn't choose to be, I just am. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve at all. I feel incapable of showing emotion, unless I consciously do so. And even then it's not the real me. 

So in turn, I have to fight my worst battles alone.

Detached Sentences.

I can only describe myself in one detached sentence at a time. I've tried other ways but it just gets confusing, so here I go.
I'm not one of the cool kids.I'm okay with not being one of the cool kids.
I'm breathing, but only in shallow breaths.
I wish I were younger.
I'm not really scared of insects.
I'm scared of killing insects.
I love to learn.
I love to travel.
I love music.
I hate winter.
I hate it when my toast burns.
I hate that my best friend lives far away.
I like bookshops.
I'm the shorter one out of all my friends.
I am not always sure of who I am.
I wish I lived in a mountain top.
I'm not so fond of clothes shopping.
I like cupcakes.
I'm a teeny bit of a rebel.
Aren't we all?
I love being outdoors.
I adore poetry.
I feel like I don't always speak as much as I should.
I'm an introvert.
I love my eyes.
I love animals.
I'm a bookworm.
I'm not afraid to die.
I can wiggle my ear.
I like to dance by myself.
I cannot dance very well at all.
I dance anyway.
Same goes for singing.
I love who I am.
I am almost always somewhere else in my mind.
I just started a blog...whadya know.
Why don't you come somewhere elsewhere with me?

About this blog.

 - Sorry this is so long...I had a lot to say about this blog. But please read all of it as it will help you understand this blog much better. Thanks.-

We all have a place in our mind where we can go to be ourselves. Either to let off steam or love things, or think thoughts only you can understand. It's the place where you completely understand yourself, or completely confuse yourself, either way it's all yours. No one can come in and tell you that you are wrong for this or that's not the way it's supposed to be. It's just 100% you. It's called Elsewhere. Some people take a while to find this place, others find it but have trouble making peace with it. One of the hardest things to do is make peace with your own mind. But once you've come to terms with your Elsewhere, no one can take it from you. You can never be evicted from your Elsewhere. You can retreat to it when you want to think or express yourself without worrying about what other people think. Without having to explain yourself. The clearest version of you will be found in your Elsewhere.

Somehow, I learned to put my Elsewhere into words, or at least I try to. I can never get all of it in words, I don't think the words I need exist, but I do my best with the words I do know. I use it as a way to understand myself, my Elsewhere. I also use it as a way to say what I can't say out loud. Things I'm to afraid to say because of the reaction I might get from people, especially people I love and who love me. I'm afraid for them to see who I actually am. So I hide myself. And I've learned hiding yourself is one of the most draining things you can do. And I could not allow myself to be drained any longer. So I have to let it out in words. 

For a while I was still afraid for anyone to see the words, but at least they were out of me. Now, that is now enough. I have to put it out there a little more. Only to people who don't know me though, because strangers won't judge you the way people you love will. 

So that is why I started this blog. I wanted to share my Elsewhere, or at least the parts I am able to write about. Maybe someone can relate to me in a way, or not. Maybe all of our Elsewhere's connect. Or not, I don't know. Anyway, so like I said, I started this blog as a way to share more of me. It is a secret blog though. I didn't tell my parents, or siblings, or best friend, or anyone I know that I made a blog. Some of the things I post will be directed to a certain person in my life(family, friends, random person that I saw somewhere, etc). I'll label those as 'You know who you are' posts. In these posts will say what I feel about them, I will be open on my thoughts toward them without naming them, because hello, 'they know who they are'. 

One day I plan on giving my family and friends the link to this blog. Someday far into the future I will let them see who I was when they thought they knew me. I'll let them into my past. But for now it's just me and me. Having a conversation about my thoughts, feeling, and randomness. Just 100%, pure, unfiltered me. And you readers(if anyone is actually reading this blog, which I doubt)get to listen in. 

So welcome to my Elsewhere.