Past Lives

If the elephants have past lives / yet are destined to always remember / It's no wonder how they scream  / like you and I they must have some temper.

Here is the song I have on replay this week. It's called Elephants and it's by Rachel Yamagata.

Not So Light Burdens

I have feelings I can't talk about. Problems I can't tell anyone. Certain tears I can't cry on anyone's shoulder. Maybe we're all like that, or maybe it's just me. We all have burdens. Everyone thinks the heavy burdens are the hardest to carry, but that's not always true. Sometimes the light burdens are heavier than the heavy ones. They rest ever so gently on your shoulder, constantly reminding you of their presence. Sometimes I shrink them, these light burdens, shrink them till they are small enough to carry around in my pockets. I figure that way I can forget about them. But my hand always brushes against them when I'm reaching for something else. Maybe I should get a backpack.

Head and Heart

I once heard it said that the worst battle is between what you know and what you feel. And I know that to be very true. I'm fighting that battle right now. I won't go into detail. I will however say that my battle is draining me. The fight between my head and my heart is tiring and I don't know how much longer I can fight before I yield to one or the other. It's stressful to always have your thoughts wrestling. Especially when you see no end in sight. I've tried ignoring it, and it didn't go away. 

The hardest part for me is not being able to tell anyone about it. I'm a very 'bottled up inside' kinda person. I didn't choose to be, I just am. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve at all. I feel incapable of showing emotion, unless I consciously do so. And even then it's not the real me. 

So in turn, I have to fight my worst battles alone.

Detached Sentences.

I can only describe myself in one detached sentence at a time. I've tried other ways but it just gets confusing, so here I go.
I'm not one of the cool kids.I'm okay with not being one of the cool kids.
I'm breathing, but only in shallow breaths.
I wish I were younger.
I'm not really scared of insects.
I'm scared of killing insects.
I love to learn.
I love to travel.
I love music.
I hate winter.
I hate it when my toast burns.
I hate that my best friend lives far away.
I like bookshops.
I'm the shorter one out of all my friends.
I am not always sure of who I am.
I wish I lived in a mountain top.
I'm not so fond of clothes shopping.
I like cupcakes.
I'm a teeny bit of a rebel.
Aren't we all?
I love being outdoors.
I adore poetry.
I feel like I don't always speak as much as I should.
I'm an introvert.
I love my eyes.
I love animals.
I'm a bookworm.
I'm not afraid to die.
I can wiggle my ear.
I like to dance by myself.
I cannot dance very well at all.
I dance anyway.
Same goes for singing.
I love who I am.
I am almost always somewhere else in my mind.
I just started a blog...whadya know.
Why don't you come somewhere elsewhere with me?

About this blog.

 - Sorry this is so long...I had a lot to say about this blog. But please read all of it as it will help you understand this blog much better. Thanks.-

We all have a place in our mind where we can go to be ourselves. Either to let off steam or love things, or think thoughts only you can understand. It's the place where you completely understand yourself, or completely confuse yourself, either way it's all yours. No one can come in and tell you that you are wrong for this or that's not the way it's supposed to be. It's just 100% you. It's called Elsewhere. Some people take a while to find this place, others find it but have trouble making peace with it. One of the hardest things to do is make peace with your own mind. But once you've come to terms with your Elsewhere, no one can take it from you. You can never be evicted from your Elsewhere. You can retreat to it when you want to think or express yourself without worrying about what other people think. Without having to explain yourself. The clearest version of you will be found in your Elsewhere.

Somehow, I learned to put my Elsewhere into words, or at least I try to. I can never get all of it in words, I don't think the words I need exist, but I do my best with the words I do know. I use it as a way to understand myself, my Elsewhere. I also use it as a way to say what I can't say out loud. Things I'm to afraid to say because of the reaction I might get from people, especially people I love and who love me. I'm afraid for them to see who I actually am. So I hide myself. And I've learned hiding yourself is one of the most draining things you can do. And I could not allow myself to be drained any longer. So I have to let it out in words. 

For a while I was still afraid for anyone to see the words, but at least they were out of me. Now, that is now enough. I have to put it out there a little more. Only to people who don't know me though, because strangers won't judge you the way people you love will. 

So that is why I started this blog. I wanted to share my Elsewhere, or at least the parts I am able to write about. Maybe someone can relate to me in a way, or not. Maybe all of our Elsewhere's connect. Or not, I don't know. Anyway, so like I said, I started this blog as a way to share more of me. It is a secret blog though. I didn't tell my parents, or siblings, or best friend, or anyone I know that I made a blog. Some of the things I post will be directed to a certain person in my life(family, friends, random person that I saw somewhere, etc). I'll label those as 'You know who you are' posts. In these posts will say what I feel about them, I will be open on my thoughts toward them without naming them, because hello, 'they know who they are'. 

One day I plan on giving my family and friends the link to this blog. Someday far into the future I will let them see who I was when they thought they knew me. I'll let them into my past. But for now it's just me and me. Having a conversation about my thoughts, feeling, and randomness. Just 100%, pure, unfiltered me. And you readers(if anyone is actually reading this blog, which I doubt)get to listen in. 

So welcome to my Elsewhere.